Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in ive given up's LiveJournal:

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Monday, April 24th, 2006
3:02 am	stolen from Audrey Bowser Ever Been Called... Dumb?: not usually Retarded?: jokingly Ugly?: nope Hot?: yes Fat?: never Anorexic?: jokingly A waste of space?: i called myself that a bit ago Useless?: more than likely Smelly?: hah A Slut?: no Beautiful?: yes Smart?: yes Quiet?: by people im shy around Boring?: havent heard that one A Bitch?: no Rebel?: i could use that title Conceited?: i dont think so Currently What are you wearing?: black on black cold world longsleeve and black sweatpants Who are you talking to?: noone How is the weather?: rainy and cold What are you listening to?: dashboard confessional What/Who are you thinking about?: i just wrote about rachel What are you looking forward to? long nights and days with the one i love What are you dreading?: time apart How are you feeling?: i feel a little anxious, a little worried, a little hopeful How is your hair?: it's seen better days What are you annoyed by?: nothing right now What emotion do you feel the most?: i have no clue, they're all crap What songs make you cry? sometimes a lot of songs What movies make you cry?: i don't watch them What always cheers you up?: rachel, drives and loud songs What makes you madder than anything?: myself What hurts you the most?: letting people down Who makes you happy?: rachel bauer, robert meadows Depressed?: Ryan Matticola Are you a really emotional person?: yes, yes and yes What do you do when you're depressed?: this is a wierd one to answer, i dont know if im depressed anymore, but it's been a long time suffering What song do you think was written about your life?: Dramarama - Anything, Anything (me and rachel's song) When Was The Last Time You.. Burped?: never did it Went to the movies?: it's been ages Went out to eat?: i take my babe out a lot Cried?: there was a period where i cried every day at least twice for 2 months straight Threw up? long time ago Went skating?: really long time ago Got into a fight?: physical fight? terror show in allentown Issues Do you do drugs? no Do you have a mental disablity/illness?: a lot of them Are you on any medication for any type of disorder?: zoloft Do you or have you ever had an eating disorder?: probably, who knows, i dont think so What kinds of illnesses run in your family?: depression Who was the last person you... Talked to?: Rachel Yelled at?: someone random Kissed: Rachel Hugged?: Rachel Went out to eat with? Rachel Talked to on the phone?: Rachel IMed?: Stevie E-Mail?: Rachel Got flowers from?: Rachel Danced with?: Rachel Fought with? : not sure Worried about?: Rachel Cried over?: Rachel Thought about?: Rachel bowser Are you... Understanding?: i'd say im more wise Pretty?: that's not something for me to answer Nice?: to the people who i give my time im the best A bitch?: no Confident?: it depends on what you're looking at really Depressed?: well i was, for a really long time, now im getting that fixed Hyper?: not now, im a bit sick Friendly?: well i don't really think so Hungry?: i think i am, but i dont feel it Original?: very Shy?: sometimes, but not usually Emotional?: i was given them and i use them to the fullest extent Messy?: oh of course Immature?: at times Sad?: at times Trusting?: i have no clue Sleepy?: right now i should be Lonely?: yes Independent?: i don't know anymore, ive always been very independent, but i found someone to live for Romantic?: im the best, hands down Do You... Do you drink [alcohol]?: no Do you party a lot?: no Do you use drugs for recreational purposes? no How often do you use the word "like" in an average hour?: never Do you skip classes? no Do you steal? no Do you wear inappropriate clothing? no Do you drool over celebrities? no Do you watch a lot of TV?: no Do you ever watch the news?: sometimes Do you read books often?: no Are you failing a lot of your classes?: no Do you spend most of your time with your friends?: no, i try to though Do you smoke cigarettes?: no Do you hang out a lot in malls, or at Seven Elevens: yes Do you often find yourself with a crush on someone?: well, i love a girl so so much and it's definetly feeling like a crush Do you cuss a lot?: sometimes Are you desperate to fit in?: i'd rather not Are you intelligent?: extremely Do you spend a lot of time on your appearence?: not as much as i should Make-up?: no Low-cut tops?: no Do you flip your hair when you talk, even if you don't realize it?: no Giggle a lot?: no YM, Teen, Cosmo, at all?: no [In the last 24 hours, have you] Cried: no Bought something: yes Gotten sick: yes Sang: yes Eaten: yes Been kissed: yes Felt stupid: oh of course Wanted to tell someone you loved them, but didn't: i always tell her Met someone new: no Talked to someone you have a crush on: i guess so Had a serious talk: no Missed someone: oh like you'd never believe Hugged someone: i dont think so Fought with your parents: no Dreamed about someone you can't be with: i havent slept yet, so we won't count out what i wish to happen. :) (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 11th, 2006
10:37 pm	i miss the phone calls, i miss the kisses goodbye, i miss the little things like dinner and a movie, i miss the laughing and the constant talks, the nights with OME where we'd talk about ridiculous things, i miss always being asked to dig ditches, i miss those saturday nights in the room across the hall, i miss the wings, i miss q mart, i miss the city, i miss gianna's and all the places where i won't be eating alone, i miss the trampoline jumps, i miss being woken up in the morning by hammering on the roof, i miss getting phone calls at 2 am saying "goodnight my love", i miss the dairy farm and the paca's, even chocolate milk deer, i miss the drives to spook lane, i miss the way my hand felt when it was finger between finger being held so tight, i miss the little nicknames, i miss walmart parking lot, i miss reggie and the full effect followed by "A Great Artist" set to 24, i miss the filled spot in my bed, i miss being forced to eat right, i miss being rubbed to sleep, i miss the plans, i miss the companionship, i miss the love, i miss the love letters, i miss the hope, i miss the late nights, i miss the drives, i miss the mix cd's, i miss the anticipation, i miss the cookies and cakes we made for each other, i miss the late night tea cups, i miss the nervous words, i miss the new bands, i miss the way that she'd make her hair stick up in the back so it would look big and puffy and it would be down within 10 minutes, i miss the "r" necklace, i miss it all. i miss the little things, the little things that to me were the biggest parts of my day. sometimes i buy things for her, but ill never give them to her, or ill make them go away. sometimes i want to call, but i wont, sometimes i just want to be so close, but i can't, sometimes i just want to cry, so i do, sometimes i want to take back the time, but that will never happen, i want to believe, so i do, i want to do my best, but i shouldn't, sometimes i think this is going to be the death of me, but it's not. there will be time to time where ill cry myself to sleep at night, or ill say im going out and i stay at home and be upset, or there will be times where ill sit in her room and cry so hard that i can't breathe. it's not really me being as weak as i feel, it's me being as depleted as i should feel. sometimes i wont sleep, sometimes i will. this is just a hard time, the roughest of the rough. i just don't see this one panning out and riding into the sunset, things aren't that easy. i hope that things work out, im scared to death that they wont. it's so hard not to talk about these things, to find out where things are, how she feels, just anything to know that there is life in these lungs of love. it's so hard when i just want to hold her until she falls asleep and i know that if i try, she'll turn her shoulders and ill have to go before i get in trouble for crying too much. im so hit by all of this, it hurts so much, and i know she'll never see this. no one will, no one sees this, im pretty sure that the thing is broken so that no one can. but rachel please come back, everything will be fine. everything will be back to the way it should be.. all around. just please... let me take care of you. the girl of my dreams please don't let me wake up. she's so perfect.. so perfect. she's someone who i can't ever lose. man i'm crying on the keys of this computer, it's not a nice thing to do. i just miss her and i love her so much. much more than she'll ever know, although i think she does. my heart goes out to her in this time. i hope she runs with it, runs back to where she's safe. i'm so in love, i'm so deep on this, i just want this to work out right. god this hurts. (Comment on this)
Thursday, March 2nd, 2006
10:21 am	a territory of broken limbs half enveloped in flame a fallen sky and shattered legs lay on the ground a shot runs from my chest to to her hands the diluted spirit so beautiful and a lifeless body so plentiful a lesser man lies in the tall grass can't you hear the knocking at your door catagorize him by the hands he's left behind a god of tounge manifested to stop the silence they're such fridgid hands they're hands not of this world there is no one who smiles your smile when i say your name explosions rape me of my legs she used to set the night on fire (Comment on this)
Thursday, November 3rd, 2005
12:44 am	new song.. for what? thats a suprise 20 years of getting over what 19 years just might have done proving where the fucking time might have went im having a one night fucking stands with open arms and x'ed up hands but this fucking shit has got to go one fucking day i'll fucking show i put my heart in everything that you'll never know now ive destroyed everything yeah you'd better go just step the fuck aside and listen to a story told im sick of growing up and this world is getting too fucking old for you. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 2nd, 2005
12:58 am	but youll never know how far we've come look how far we've fallen behind so close to the start and this is where it ends we've made it on our own dont let "us" hold you down, we'll never make it face to face im too afraid this makes amends and shows you how much ive grown no one has to know but there's just one problem, can i wish you to speak my mind on justifying leaving this place you leave me here alone but at least ill admit im happier this way believe me that im wrong, ill never be the happiest one this idea of "us", we'll never leave you far behind. at least youll be happy to be gone. (Comment on this)
Friday, July 22nd, 2005
12:32 pm	something i found in my archives The Well Runs Dry- new version (spoken) Sitting alone i can smell the stench rising from your letters.. Disgusting smells of blood dripping from the pages so craftily carved from my heart (start after 2 measures) Today is the day that i go to your room Gently i wait for you to return, back to the place you come to call home Away from me again...(drums) I hide in your corner, never to be seen by uncaring eyes You always saw right threw me, never once was i clear..(drums) The words going through my head of our favorite love songs I know what is to come, i know what you have done The phone rings and you start to laugh as you hear his voice through the soon dropped reciver (music break) So much pain destroys all the fun that you love to have The fun that walked out my door, its time to close that door. You tore me apart, you stole my dreams... my happiness and you put me,everything you put me in this hell i call my life.. i, i hate you, i hate you She barely moved as i subdued her (music break) Sitting in front of me i begin to explain all the things going through my head since the day she left. Slowly i start to dig into my chest with the bones from your arms Finally we will die as one, we will die together.... Why isnt murder legal? Because everybody would be fucking dead! (very fast grindish part) I cocked her head back, choked and bloodied she said she loved me I take her to no tommorow I take her to her death There is no tommorow for her She made me put me in this hell I know this cant be happening She spit up blood into my lap as she coughed her last breath away Into oblivion i love her Until the day i die, will i call her my own (Bdown 1) I like the poison that i take into my lungs of your deciet Burning fast w/in myself my fingers wrap around your throat die... Slowly she choked Slowly she died One last time I love her She knows this I hate her She fears this (Pause) Grind your self for Satan's wounds (low) Brace yourself for the fall from above Destroy... my life You always were my everything You ran away from me...... Well (low) Runs (low) Dry (low) you dont deserve the life you lead Nothing is forever... (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, April 7th, 2005
12:51 pm	smoke em if you got em i felt her legs move for the last time as they grazed my hands late in the morning how id love to sever your heart out and rip the lungs from your dying chest her breath fell silent and shook the leaves off the willow tree it may have been the way she walked past the window or the stabbings in her abdomen that led me to believe there was another these fears allow me to remain in silence but for what it was the way you closed your eyes i knew that this was through with pictures beneath you in tatters our love has fallen apart your necklace of rope seems to be shining in the light of morning (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, March 21st, 2005
10:48 pm	untitled lets watch the world burn our chldren beg us to run with one life to live. we are the hopeless few. a laugh from the love in my life will keep the night from coming and trap those nightmares inside. we didnt want it this way, i could cut away what makes you mine, but she's walking away with all of our dignity. some things are best left unheard. this will get easier with time she said. and shes walking away with my heart. (Comment on this)
Sunday, March 20th, 2005
10:22 am	(a serenade of bullets to the girl of my dreams) well.. my band broke up as you may or may not know. we had a slot set aside for us to record, but due to personal conflicts within the band we are deciding wether or not we are going to record. in the even that it doesnt happen, im preparing material to record myself. this is the first song that i have put music and my lyrics to in this fashion. its slow, accoustic and awesome. enjoy. tired of the seems inside tired of what i seem to find a way out of this life a way to figure out who we are running out of places to find a way to find our way tired of finding out who you are im running out of (break)time to find out (break) just who you (break)are one more wasted night to sit alone by your side and try to figure out just who you are tired of the war we play hoping to wash away i need to figure out what we have become im running out of time to find out just who you are. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 8th, 2005
3:15 pm	im not really happy w/ this one... but here it is anyway life is nothing short of a tradgedy anyway such as giving birth to aborted children not that it matters much to me christ it hurts im having a one night stand with a hole in the sky and its fucking me blind a love affair lacking a lover im consuming her tonight in three peices lust, hatred and glory dare you call this our own? (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, March 7th, 2005
11:28 am	im having a one night stand with your piece of mind and its fucking me blind (Comment on this)
Sunday, March 6th, 2005
1:00 pm	for the love of posoidon beneath the tide the wind will no longer carry her scent matten hair will no longer fill her eyes it was this night that it was possible that her voice ceased to be heard from the shore for i am the liar amongst amongst a thousand men slowly the sun began to boil away the sea air fills her lungs with my name for what have i done to cause this pain answer me softly i have lost the will to carry on my seraph (Comment on this)
Friday, February 18th, 2005
8:36 pm	or else i will ive struggled along to make it here today where it seems like miles through the rain to the places where the water won't wash away the imperfections that set you apart all the ways, you're wrong in every way the doors we've broken we might as well still walk through its better to meet on my end then in the middle i can bend until you break but im giving it all to you and by the way id sell the world to you day by day, just to say, id give it away just to stay, and have the world with you In the end, its a lesson we've learned again and again, its nothing new we've set it apart time after time again and again, id give it all for you. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, February 17th, 2005
12:36 am	I QUIT. im not judging this competition anymore i seriously want to give up on life walking around dead end streets doesnt mean you avoid the heart of this town with arms in the air where all we got are reasons to go home again this time im tired of giving up all i need is a friend i cant pretend im not alone anymore it feels like everything that's mine is rented and i dont have the time to pay the bills they say ive growing up to do im just going to stay the same and if i never get to end this story blame it on the words im tounge tied tonight (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 16th, 2005
12:35 am	lyrics for the AND REMEMBER... breakdown intro of death run your mouth as if i give a fuck what you have to say, as if what we had meant anything to me. i wish not to make another memory with you there by my side.. by my side. broken hearts, broken dreams... broken face, broken teeth (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, February 10th, 2005
12:56 pm	fine blood (revised) lanterns made of eyelids and cracked skin shed light onto shotgun barrels aimed toward the sky from across the room you can see thoughts forming thinking of you, so beautiful a lovely epitaph to a hole in the air in searching for heaven we find fireworks as enlightment she's beautiful like dying children in hospital beds crying in your arms this is a raping in oncoming traffic predictible and bland the sky is leaking too many angels in a horror film (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, February 7th, 2005
1:36 am	fine blood lanterns made of eyelids and cracked skin shed light onto shotgun barrels aimed toward the sky from across the room you can see thoughts forming thinking of you, its so beautiful a lovely epitaph to a hole in the ceiling in searching for heaven hell now has a name and she's beautiful like dying children crying in your arms a raping in oncoming traffic predictible and bland the sky is leaking too many angels in a horror film (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, January 31st, 2005
1:21 pm	new unwritten AR... song kill the bright lights and live life down here in the dark so beautiful on top of the world without a soul to tell you wrong knife across your throat perfect cries for attention ignored love your away around me sex appeal heals broken hearts the entire world is in your hands and it will take everything you have to take me down with you these days are better left uncounted deception better left unheard manufacture love and buy his affection this is the death of everything youve let me down one too many times this is the death of mankind this is the death of everyone she loves me she loves me not.. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, January 27th, 2005
1:12 am	heres your answer, keep the questions to yourself all i see in love i find in taxodermy cold, bitter, bloody nights without movement there is no love in the epitome of life its face resembles an empty house so loud yet bare, exposing the floor where the clocks lay broken showing time apart love may be a game i hope never to play every practice i have, i seemingly fail if her tears had tide id give my feet and hope to drown love is everything we were warned about this love it will kill us all (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, January 24th, 2005
5:27 pm	night after the crash if i could fall in love again it would be with you here amongst the dead would you be here tommorow if i told you today was a misconseption and we're all just living life day by day? i like the way you look in my eyes when you say my name and how your hands never touch my throat if time would allow last night to never end the sun may never rise again the earth may fall asleep and never break this winter the snow spills your secrets (Comment on this)